An Imperfect Vision
by ada511
Summary: River has a vision that changes everything... MR Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: An Imperfect Vision**

**A/N: Sequel to The Perfect Job (i.e. well - post BDM)  
**

**Disclaimer: The story and characters do not belong to me...  
**

**Summary: River has a vision that changes everything... M/R **

Chapter One: The Vision

River woke and inhaled a sharp painful breath. She listened to the ship's pulse and waited for the space around her to settle; For dream to separate from reality and foresight to sharpen into clarity.

The angry voices from her dream still lingered in the air and as River rose from her bed she walked through them like trails of smoke. She stood undressed in the very center of her bunk, completely still. Listening to the thoughts that floated through Serenity's recycled air. With her own characteristic sudden grace, she moved. She had only barely pulled the slip over her head as she emerged into the hall.

No one surprised her, she could not be surprised. At least not in that sense. The dream she'd just swam her way out of had shaken her in a different way. A _memento mori_ given so suddenly could hardly be sweetly taken.

There was nothing left to do, of course. The future, the truth, was as it would be. Any attempt to escape or evade it only served to make the last tastes bitter where it could have been lush, ragged where it had meant to be smooth. What was there now to do but pick her way through the coming moments like choosing stones when crossing a stream?

River walked the ship's hallways, a loving hand on her hull as ghost memories faded in and out of her path. So much joy, so much pain; it was no wonder the girl River had been when she'd first come onboard Serenity hadn't been able to make herself leave.

_But she was no girl now. _

"Little early for a stroll, isn't it darlin'?"

His voice did not startle her. Some small heat from his breath or beating heart had already touched her arm before his voice could travel the distance to her ears. The lazy warmth of it melted into her and made her put a hand to her stomach. She wanted to remember this feeling, wanted to capture it as it was now before the rush of it became swamped in regrets.

River looked up over her shoulder where the Captain stood leaning on the railing with his first cup of coffee cradled in his hands. Serenity was his home and he looked so wonderful when he was at home in her. River inhaled carefully, breathing in this moment... One she recognized from her vision; one of the last. She nearly pointed her toe as she imagined that she would be making the first step into that stream now... One step closer now to her fate.

River did not speak quickly when she could help it... nor did she respond without weighing carefully her own intentions. It was disconcerting to most people, she knew. Most people never expected anyone to truly listen to them; took for granted that they did not need to take care with their words so that the intentions were still intact. It was why one could be so lonely even when surrounded by crowds of people.

"Early here." River smiled gently, "But it is near lunch on Eden."

The Captain was not disconcerted when she took her time. He had a gift for patience; particularly when it was truly necessary. '_We're in it - past deep'_ he'd explained to Jayne during one such instance as their cover was being ripped to shreds by flying bullets and the merc had been naggin' him, _'I figure if two extra seconds makes the difference in her figuring how to get us back to having a future - I'll rather give her the two extra gorram seconds, dong ma?_'

The Captain smiled and she felt comfort and peace in him as he stood back from the railing. He expected her to speak as she did, it made him happy when things followed his expectations, "Eden ain't even near our time, and you know it."

River obediently took her cue, "Will be soon."

Captain's thoughts sped up, but there was yet no anxiety, "Is that right?" River turned so that she faced the side of the ship as Mal started down the stairs, "You know if'n its a job that takes us there?"

River nodded, "You'll find the job... and look for a pilot."

River felt his thoughts give a sudden jump again but, still, he refused to be baited, "Already have a pilot, River. Looks a lot like you- tends to talk in riddles and dance on tables."

River cocked her head to the side, considering this, "No more tables, only stars and memories."

Mal frowned, "All right, I'm about done with the riddles, River. Speak plain."

"I'll be gone soon."

"All right. Uh- maybe if you could add a few more words to that-"

River turned her face away from him, "It's gone wrong now. I've lost the choice."

Captain stared at her - no closer to learning her meaning, "You always have a choice. River -"

"Choice is an illusion of control we don't have," she said petulantly and almost smiled again at the annoyance her comment caused in the air around Mal. River continued before he could growl out her name aloud like he was doing in his mind, "I had a dream tonight- saw the truth and I can't turn away from it, you know I can't."

Mal set his coffee cup down on a crate and approached the girl cautiously, "And what is the truth, Reader?"

River avoided the question and muttered, "I don't want to leave," more to herself than to him.

"Then don't," there was a distinct edge to Mal's tone now. River saw that he could tell something was very wrong and he could tell that she was being elusive on purpose but his mind was tired - he'd been having nightmares too. River caught a glimpse of one - Reavers tearing into flesh before his voice distracted her, "Of all the feng la - I think that genius mind of yours just complicates things that don't need complicating."

River stared at a piece of scrap that had gotten stuck between the grate and the hull, trying to pull her senses together. It was so hard with the Captain so near, everything that she loved about him hovering so temptingly in the air. For once nothing from the dead or the living layered and masked what she read from him. For once it was just the two of them in her mind, as if she were a whole person.

Well maybe not quite whole yet.

Disappointment sang through her as she realized that she was as whole now as she would ever be. Never more than a stray on a - River felt Mal reach the wrong conclusion a moment too late to stop him. She reprimanded herself for letting her thoughts wander and waited patiently so that she could hear him say what she already knew he was going to.

Mal crossed his arms over his chest, "You ready to break free, gain back what they took from you- I understand that. You don't have to have an excuse to leave this boat. Just say the word." Mal continued more gently, "You have a right to make a life, girl - you don't owe anybody anything."

"I owe no one," River agreed sadly, "I am no one's. I feel nothing but ache, Captain. I carry memories of a hundred thousand lives and all of them are more real than my own. I don't belong on Serenity. I don't belong anywhere but Serenity."

Mal stared at her for a long moment then ran his hands through his hair, "You're not making sense, darlin'."

River met his eyes. She felt the tears veil her vision but she did not look away. Mal narrowed his, and for the first time in her life she felt someone read_ her_ mind, "You listen here, sweetheart- you thinkin' of jumpin into the black, you'll have to go through me."

"I won't go gently," River promised, her bottom lip shaking.

Mal's mind finally clicked, and he struggled with patience again, "Your dream wasn't about leaving Serenity, your dream was about dying, is that what you're telling me?"

"Wasn't just a dream."

River felt Mal hold onto his temper with his last vestiges of control, "Look, River, sweetheart. I imagine this happens plenty often, right? You see danger coming for one of us. And you warn us. And we change what will be- we change the truth."

"No."

Mal spread open his arms in exasperation, "You're telling me it ain't never happened that you dreamed one of us was going to be hurt and you stopped it? Well geez, what the hell do we keep you around for -"

River raised her voice to interrupt him, "When there is hope, the picture is multiplied - like a deck of cards on a table. I sift through to find a way to bring the family home safe. When there is no choice, there is only one image- and it is knowledge."

The burst of passion that brushed past her mind like an angry wind surprised her - it had been part of the dream as well - but she hadn't quite understood it. She turned to face the Captain fully and searched his eyes for more. But he'd already harnessed whatever it was and gave her only a challenge, "How."

River shook her head, "I am cradled in the lap of a great tree. I feel the blood dripping, the last sliver of a sun sinks into a sea and then my heart starves and Simon sends me to sleep with the stars."

"So thats it is it? There ain't nothing you're gonna try to do and stop it? Like stay on the gorram ship until this... vision... _passes_ maybe?"

The anger in his voice doesn't hurt her. She fights the urge sniff into the air to seek any lingering scent of the emotion before... the emotion that was not anger or frustration. Resignedly, River concentrates on answering her Captain, "If I stay on the ship then staying on the ship will lead to the end. If I leave, then leaving the ship will lead to the end. I am not trying to be difficult. Serenity saved my life and I would spend that life repaying you if I could."

Mal made an angry gesture with his hand, "I told you - you don't - " _owe me a gorram thing. _ She heard the finished sentence though he'd stopped himself as he replayed what she'd said moments earlier. He wasn't bothering to hide his temper now and River loved the way his voice vibrated with it, "Fine. You owe me, River. Thats right and certain. And you ain't even close to done working off that debt."

She sensed his rebellion, so she wanted to be clear, needed to be clear, "Captain, it will not change." She took a beat as she heard his plan take shape in his mind, "You don't need to deny the job. It is not what leads to my death."

He glared at her for a moment then suddenly where there had been intense heat, there was only coolness and control, "Then what does exactly?"

River hated when he pulled his emotion back like that, "I don't know."

They stared at each other for so long that River wondered if she wasn't still locked in her dream. Suddenly he lifted his finger to point to her chest and gave her a hard look, "You're confined to your bunk whenever you're not piloting. If you sense trouble, you hide. Thats an order, an order that stands until there's a different card on the table, dong ma?"

River didn't bother to repeat to him that that didn't happen, wouldn't happen. She nodded because it is what he needed for her to do.

"And start stockpiling some blood." He snapped at her and he turned away. She stared after him, less concerned for the moment in her fate than with the complexities of her Captain's emotion; and if she had just glimpsed what she'd been longing for since she'd regained full possession of her mind.

The irony of the possibility nearly stopped her breath. She stood absolutely still in the belly of her only home and sought comfort that simply would not come. She stood there until the wave came offering the job in Eden and it was time for her to change their course.

to be continued...


	2. Tough Choices

**Chapter Two: Tough Choices**

**Summary: Mal's thoughts on River's vision...**

**Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, nor does their universe.**

Time was tricky. Eight days ago Mal had been leaning against this very railing when River had danced out into the bay. He had watched her with affection - thinking that with all her emotion and grace she blended in with the morning... But then she'd started speaking of tragedy and death and telling him there was nothing he could do to stop it. Unfortunately, Mal believed that what River had was real and what she had the power to see was indeed a truth that would come to pass. But he didn't believe there were anything so solid in the future that it couldn't change if you didn't give up. And Mal wasn't ready to give up, no matter what truths had been whispering in River's head.

There was time still to prevent this future. Serenity's pilot was still alive. A little cranky with a burgeoning case of cabin fever maybe, but alive. The crew knew something was up - or, if they didn't, they damn well should. Mal had taken to walking the ship at night, River had suddenly announced a need for solitude, and he hadn't been this anxious since before the war.

If there was any chance to change this, he was going to do everything in his power not to miss the opportunity. His crew had lost enough; too much. Two of the best men Mal had ever known were gone and the scars had only begun to form. Everyone else coped the best way that they could, but it had been too much for Inara; too much change, too much pain, and in the end, Mal knew, simply too much effort. It had been fitting somehow that the night after she'd left Zoe that had stayed in the kitchen with him; Waiting out that first night just as he'd done with her that anguished first night without Wash. Because the first night was always the hardest.

It had been near three in the morning when Mal shook his head, "It's not the same - it's not what you had," he'd said simply, avoiding actually speaking Wash's name, "I wanted it to be. I did. But it never was."

Zoe had searched his eyes and covered his hand with hers in a rare physical gesture,"Do you remember what you told Kalyee on Beaumonde? Right before River kicked the entire bar's ass?"

Mal's lips had curved in half a smile as he thought on it then he'd lowered his head,"About Simon? I said Serenity was only ever a weigh station for the Tams."

"You said that. And you said that if you loved a woman there weren't nothing in the universe that would stop you from being with her." Zoe had smiled slightly and squeezed his hand, "Did you even think of going after Inara?"

Mal had stared gloomily into his cup and Zoe had answered for him, "It's nothing to be ashamed of Captain. It's okay that she wasn't enough. If you find someone who is, it's like your own private miracle, Sir, and you don't deserve any less."

Her voice echoed in his memories more than he liked to admit because Mal wasn't looking for love. He was just trying to keep his ship and his crew together... that was all he should be thinking of.

Mal turned his head in the night toward River's bunk. River was a miracle. But not the type Zoe had meant for him. No, River was a gift of peace, finally some peace to his crew, to his ship, for his mind. There wasn't a job they went on now that he felt they went in blind. If Serenity was limping, River was her guide and her crutch. When he lay his head down to sleep in the black, he knew no soul nor machine could get past the security of River's advance warning.

But it was more than her gift. It was the way the cockpit was tuned to her now. It was as if the very air warmed by the smile she gave him when he entered - the signal that all was right with their world. Serenity was running and the black was allowing them safe passage, and if something was wrong, he would not have had to ask.

Though he didn't exactly know the extent of her psychic abilities, from the look on River's face when Kaylee had been enthusiastically peppering her for specifics - Mal thought it best not to know. He might not be a Reader, but he knew when someone was hiding something and River had been hiding more than a little something during the interrogation.

She didn't belong here, she was right. She was grace and beauty and intelligence reserved for a life resembling the same - not hopping around dusty planets trying to save a group of smugglers. But she had no choice - pure and simple. And in the absence of that choice Mal thought she fit just fine. She loved the ship, she loved the crew. He thought he was at least a good enough judge to see that.

She wasn't happy. Mal could see that as well... And didn't begrudge her her pain she'd spoken of only once in his presence.

He'd been in the cockpit - he didn't know why. She had been flying as she usually was and he was... well he'd just been there. Out of the silence, late in the afternoon, she'd forced the words out with a pleading sort of calm, "_Mothers lying on the floor watching their family die and decay...they survived the longest not because of strength of mind but of strongest need_," She'd looked in his eyes suddenly, "_It was a mercy that the children succumbed first."_

Mal had nodded his agreement, hadn't offered consolation. He knew she'd only spoken because she'd been struggling with the borrowed memory and could hold it in no longer. It had been enough for Mal to appreciate how deep her melancholy could call to her. And enough for Mal to think shielding his thoughts wasn't just a defensive strategy, but a kindness as well. It was a skill he'd been working towards in order to keep her blind to certain things on his mind - things that had nothing to do with being Captain...

He believed her when she said she would fight her death; there was a courage in fighting without hope that Mal respected. And she had the strength for that fight - it radiated around her like the heat of the sun. It called to him when he looked in her eyes - warmth and implicit trust making her seem so much more vulnerable than was safe. A younger version of himself would have gotten lost in her; would have promised to heal her wounds and fight her battles without realizing she had the power to slay her own dragons.

The wings that the Alliance had clipped were still there at River's sides; and Mal knew that one of these days those wings would mend and she would stand and fly away...

For all her sight- River couldn't see that yet. And there was a part of him, a part of him he wasn't proud of, that was glad of it. Because when she did finally take flight again, that same part of himself knew she'd be taking his idiotic old heart with her.


	3. An Impossible Project

**Chapter Three: An Impossible Project  
**

**Summary: Waiting for the inevitable can be worse than anything...**

**Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, nor does their universe.**

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews, I was stuck on Chapter 2 so the next two updates should be much faster. This counting as one of them. **

River's world was gray steel; the patch of hull she could see from her desk that she hadn't already memorized in painfully minute detail.

It had been weeks since her vision and most of the crew had stopped asking why she was spending all her time in her quarters.

Simon had taken her plea for retreat at face value. In fact, he'd been grateful. Rather than simply disappearing into the niches of the ship as she'd done so often in the last few years, River was willing to let her brother attend to her for the first time in a long while.

He brought most of River's meals to her and River used the time to give her brother full and bright memories to hold on to. Much to her shame, the happiness in him grew with such speed that she realized she had been misreading him for months.

After Miranda they had lost a closeness that came with her dependency on him - an ironic residual effect of blessed sanity. River had felt the emotional strings stretch and dissolve tangibly as, released from the worry and responsibility of his sister, Simon's need for Kaylee seemed all encompassing. Though River had sensed ache from him now and then, when someone had a pain on their heart but did not know the root issue, it hid in them like a shadow. She couldn't distinguish past, present, or future without context. And there were so many shadows lurking in the hearts of Serenity's crew, it was no wonder she hadn't recognized this one was connected to her.

And now the wound was healed. Such a simple thing - sharing a meal and words and time became medicine. Now his joy inflicted pain in River's heart... but there was no one to see it. Reminiscing about what life had been like before and learning what life had made each other into - she re-discovered her brother as her kin. And it made it doubly hard to see the echoes of his future grief in her dreams at night...

Kaylee brought treats and stories. Simon's new lightness of heart only magnified his mate's natural glow. It was good, River was being treated with care. Kaylee didn't know that her "gentle" prodding into the cause of River's confinement only made the lonliness worse. River couldn't exactly say that she regretted telling her captain - if she hadn't, she knew very well she would be struggling with a different sort of isolation. But the knowledge was weighing heavily on him, and it was getting worse. She heard and felt him patrol the corridors in his rage and his helplessness. She read that part of his rage was directed towards her though he didn't understand why and so... neither did River.

Resignation had not followed acceptance, but River was not one to wallow ineffectually. She spent the time in her room working on her writing project. Letters she'd started even before she'd known who was inspiring them or why. Now, with time short, River wrote until her hand became stiff and she switched to the other until that became numb. Letters from the dead on Miranda to families on other worlds; letters dictated by those memories strongest in her mind - nothing about their last days - just the things left unsaid that desperately needed telling. That would bring peace to some. That was good.

Simon would make sure they were sent out.

The first letter she intended to deliver wouldn't need to go far. It was for Zoe. Nothing had been left unsaid in that union, but in the three seconds it had taken Wash to give up his soul, River had received enough in her mind for ten letters. The time had come to talk to Zoe - River knew they both anticipated the confrontation - had since the dust had settled. And now, River could not wait any longer for Zoe to invite it.

Zoe stood at the doorway bringing with her small tornadoes of fear, sadness, resentment, and hope that swirled in and around both of them in the air. River marveled at the woman. If she hadn't had the power to see the dark matter in the air, she would not have been able to detect any trace of it in Zoe's demeanor. Zoe commanded a control over her very soul that River envied greatly.

Zoe needed to stand and so River did not sit. She handed the woman the letter without word and Zoe accepted it and what it was in the same moment.

River waited, knowing the question Zoe needed to ask and allowing her to speak it in her own time. River breathed evenly as she waited, doing multiplication tables in her mind in an effort to mimic Zoe's impenetrable calm.

Finally, "Do you see him?"

River met the warrior's eyes and answered in the the same detached tone, "Only echoes, same as you. He was at peace, always in  
life, immediately in death."

Zoe took it in like a breath and River clenched her hands together as the conflicting emotions seeped from the other woman: tortured relief that he was not suffering, not haunting her progress or communicating with River like he never could again with her and finally bitter knowledge that he was truly gone. Slowly the air around them slowed and the haunted look in her eyes lightened. She nodded, "Thank you."

River nodded back in acknowledgment, "Never truly gone," and bit her lip to keep from saying more. She was determined to allow Zoe the lead in this process - allowing the woman some control over the grief that ripped at her night after night. Before turning away Zoe said, "After Wash died, I know you know I was angry... I'm sorry you had to know that." Zoe tucked the letter safely inside her vest, "Your brother was right."

_A gift,_ she left it unsaid, but River heard and felt the honor of the compliment warm her blood.

Much later, after the crew had eaten, River felt the emotional wave that meant that Zoe was reading the letter. Attempting to give her friend the privacy she deserved, River concentrated deeply on writing out the love of Amy Johnston who left a daughter that needed to hear why.

One letter melted into another and then ten more. Immersed in other people's lives, River could ignore how much she regretted her own. Her isolation seemed to focus her senses like a sunbeam through a drop of glass. Serenity's crew, River's family, was clearer to her than they'd ever been. She loved them all with her whole heart. But wading in the memories of dead lovers, reminded River that she loved _him_ different. She loved _him_ with all of her mind.

She could differentiate and recognize the rhythm and pitch of his heart beat in a crowd; Had been able to since before she knew for sure that he was real. Even when her mind was more tangled than a ball of string she'd known to be aware of him - known to be drawn to him.

River hadn't needed to name the emotion in order to identify it. As far as she was concerned, it had been a survival instinct. Back then everyday had been a three way battle between her self - _buried_, her mind - _damaged_, and the drugs Simon pumped into her - _the wild card_ that she could never quite predict. She'd needed an anchor and Mal had been it. While everyone else swayed in the black, Mal was a force steady and true.

She would not have dishonored her friendship with Inara to dream of it before the companion had left, and after, well, if the wisdom of the many souls that had passed through her mind told her anything - it was that love could not be forced, nor rushed, nor pushed. River had been patient and she had concentrated first on fitting together the pieces of her own self.

She hadn't really even gotten the chance to want him - she had been so busy trying to pull together one whole River. And now she... River only realized he was on his way to her room when he was three steps from her door.

Unconsciously she slid off of her chair and stood at attention. The captain raised an eyebrow at her, "We in a war I don't know about?"

River relaxed slightly and, copying him, raised her eyebrow at the tray he carried.

He shrugged, dry humor like dust on his shoes,"I told your brother to take inventory of the infirmary - he said you needed your dinner... so we compromised."

"Really?" River smiled as the scene repeated for her from his memory like a play, "Your definition of compromise and Simon's are very different."

"Yeah, well, my boat, my definitions," Mal put the tray down on the bed since her desk was crowded with letters, "Sit. Eat."

River sat, her leg curled under her on the bed and reached for the bread.

Mal took the seat at her desk, resting his elbows on his knees and yet nothing about him was at rest. River caught words and feelings rumble around her as he tried to sort out his thoughts. She didn't interrupt him - he hadn't been joking about wanting her to eat. That was clear. He was going to wait to speak until she'd tucked in some nourishment.

Mal watched her without realizing it for a few minutes, which is when she knew what he had come to ask. She was drafting her response when she felt him focus on her struggle to grip her spoon.

"What the hell happened to your hands?" Mal sat up straight and reached for them, turning them over looking for injury.

River swallowed hard at the physical contact; how much louder his pulse was under his skin and how her nerves seemed to be trying to drink in the sensation. It was hard enough to get her breath with him here in this confined space, she couldn't articulate any sort of language with him touching her as well. She pulled her hands away and gestured to the desk, "I've been writing."

"You've been-" Mal looked at the neatly stacked, already addressed envelopes then frowned as he kicked a box under the desk. He leaned down - found the thousand or so letters all neatly organized by coordinates and, with the quickness River had come to revere, his mind was already figuring the size and scope of her project. He grabbed the bed linen and pulled it up, confirming his theory with the rows and rows of perfectly addressed letters in narrow boxes under her bed, "Explain this. Clearly. Now."

River took the envelope he was waving in front of her out of his hands and smoothed the address with her hands, "Alvin H. Yee went to Miranda angry with his father. His father needs to hear Alvin forgave him the things he said that night."

Mal stared at her, then rubbed his eyes, "River... you can't possibly... There were millions of people..."

"Not all of them needed reconciliation or had family to miss them." River kept her hands clasped in her lap to keep them from seeking his touch again.

She bristled as the same doubts Simon had had swam in Mal's thoughts - _Too dangerous - could track us... They won't believe some letter that comes to them a decade after the fact is from their dead relative. _Why did no one understand the scope of her sense? Why did they think she would enter into such a task if it were hopeless?

"They will believe _me_."

Mal glanced at her sharply, knowing she'd just read him and she felt him hide the pity he'd started to feel for her that these souls still cried out to her.

Mal sighed roughly, "River..." He was struggling - River could feel it in the air, large ribbons of emotion detached from meaning as he tried to keep his thoughts from her.

River turned her head so that she wouldn't see his face as the mask he was trying to make it. She couldn't live like this anyway: everyone she loved would eventually try to build walls against her; be on guard, afraid, wary. For the first time in a long time River was angry that her path had been destroyed by strangers. She'd thought she'd have a chance to rebuild ... but she saw now the stones would never have stuck. This future was a mercy... on everyone. She squared her shoulders and answered the question he'd come to ask, "It's okay."

"What is?"

"The Truth... the future... It's okay."

"Has it changed since the last time we spoke of it?"

River shook her head.

"Then," Mal stood, "no, River. It's not."

River frowned and watched him leave the room, the weight on his soul darker and angrier than when he'd come in.


	4. An Uneasy Truth

**Chapter Four: An Uneasy Truth  
**

**  
Summary: Can the Truth be changed?**

**  
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, nor does their universe. **

Zoe and Mal were watching Andrews' men inspect the cargo when Mal had his first indication that something had gone wrong. One of the men jostled his arm, "I'm sorry," the man muttered as he passed.

Mal shrugged in a '_Don't mention it_' sort of way but frowned after the man. He'd seemed awful sincere. Mal glanced down at Zoe, his eyebrows raised, to see if she'd noted it. She looked up at him and said "I'm sorry, Sir."

Mal frowned, "Sorry for what?"

Zoe raised her eyebrows, "What Sir?"

"You're sorry for what?"

"I- Is this a trick question Captain?"

"Is what a- are you feeling okay Zoe?"

"Yes, sir. Are you?"

"You just said you were sorry! Just a second ago."

"What for?"

"Thats what I'm asking you!"

Then the words were in his head, "I'm sorry" so clear that, though they had no voice, he knew who they belonged to.

Mal reached for the com just as it cackled to life, Kaylee's voice, high pitched, "Captain! We - uh, Captain!"

"Yeah Kaylee, thats who you're hailin'" He could already taste something unpleasant in the back of his throat, Zoe nodded toward Jayne to come around. "River?"

Only one thing he cared about - only one thing he heard - River Tam was gone.

Zoe and Jayne had jumped in the mule after him with matching grim looks. They all saw the little ship making hard for atmo - this must be the one.

"There's still time. We'll get the call sign," Mal was muttering to no one in between Chinese curses, as he pushed the mule back to Serenity, "She'll get control of the boat - we've got to be there if she- "

He trailed off as black smoke appeared out of the ship in question and rather than continuing on its trajectory it leveled. He would never forget that alien ship making it's slow stuttering arc over his head - carrying River Tam - who had changed his life and promised to fight for hers. The ship skimmed over a forest of trees and erupted into a fireball.

Kaylee's scream through the com turned Mal's stomach and he fell back on the instincts of command. He didn't have time to think, he didn't allow himself to wonder. First things first, he had to see to his ship. He turned his back on the explosion on the horizon and punched the gas.

When Mal finally set foot on Serenity's ramp he strode past Kaylee and Simon, ignoring explanations and guilt and pain; and went straight to the shuttle.

He sat in the pilot's chair and started getting her ready to fly. There was still time. Fate wasn't nothing but seconds ahead of him.

He blocked out Simon's anguish, snapped at Kaylee to get Serenity ready for a quick get-a-way and counted on Zoe to make it all happen while he was playing the fool to River's vision.

"Whats the plan, Captain?" The tension was thick in Zoe's voice.

Mal glanced at her, appreciated her more than ever for her loyalty and strength even as he ignored her. He nodded to Jayne who was crowded at the door with the others, "Jayne - you're with me, we're going after her."

"I'm going with you." Simon croaked.

Mal didn't look back at him, "No, Doc, you're not."

"I want to be there when you find her."

"And I want you to be here in case she finds you."

"We saw - Are - are - are you saying... It's impossible"

"Doc, your sister don't exactly follow a standard set of rules on what's possible." Mal motioned for Zoe to get Simon out of there and didn't wait for Jayne to get buckled in before he was off.

The ship wasn't hard to find. He steered the shuttle straight for the thin column of smoke and concentrated wholly on that simple task.

They landed on a beach near the wreckage. Mal sent Jayne around one side while he did a quick spot check of the other. Pilot was dead in his seat, another male dead just outside the debris.

Jayne met him back at the ramp, shaking his head and holding up a singed blue glove. They both jumped as shots rang out somewhere behind them deep in the forest.

Mal's mind did not have the luxury to go blank. There was no more pretending. The image from River's dream filled his mind suddenly and completely. Blood was dripping, the sun was setting. Time was running out - Fate was taking the lead.

The prayer was half sent before Mal realized he'd been praying. Repulsion at the thought was quickly smothered with an angry, insistent, resentful repetition of the request. He finished it, though his jaw clenched and his teeth ground together.

They trudged to the forest edge and Mal repeated it while he kept an eye on the impatient sun. He knew Jayne was him closely, trying to figure what Mal knew that he didn't, but the Merc was uncharacteristically silent.

When they were finally surrounded by thick foliage, the sun had set... _the last sliver of a sun sinks into a sea and then my heart starves..._ No more hope. Mal stretched his neck and kept going. The tracking instincts from before the war had never left him. Indeed, in some ways they'd been sharpened by need and drive... at least that is how his mind explained why he knew where to go.

He drove them to the spot where River lay crumpled at the base of a great oak tree. Grimly, he fought his way to her, avoiding the body of her attacker and the blood pool at the mossy feet of the giant trunk. He didn't hope. He didn't pray. He simply put a finger to her neck and waited for confirmation.

The pulse almost made him lose his balance. He barked to Jayne in a voice he hardly recognized and together they got her back to the shuttle. Still, Mal didn't dare hope. There was no hope. The truth was what it was. He wasn't a fool.

But the pulse remained for the entire ride back to the ship. When Simon, with a strangled cry, fell upon her - Mal gave the man a rough shake and reminded him of the blood she'd stockpiled. He still didn't hope, but gorram it if he was just going to sit there an watch her die.

Now though... now that they were on Serenity... he had to work to suppress it. That tiny ache of hope and fear mixed together in a sharp hot ball in his throat. With what seemed to be agonizing slowness he got them off the cursed planet and into the black; every moment stretched because he knew that during any one of them, River might have slipped away from him. Gone... Just as she'd warned. With as few words as possible Mal got Zoe prepped to monitor their path before heading for the infirmary.

The short walk may as well have been a mile. Mal could see nothing past his next step while echoes and regrets and cold fear assaulted him.

He stopped just outside the door.

Simon was hunched over River's body, a knife in one hand and some strange extractor in the other. All the machines were still making their important noises and Mal breathed one tight breath before he took his place at her bedside; holding her hand as he had done once with Kaylee, Shepard Book, and Zoe.

The doctor hardly bothered to acknowledged his presence. Simon worked without pause, without rest. Sewing cuts, _Christ _-removing bullets, replenishing blood. And the girl's hand remained warm and her heart continued to beat.

Mal hadn't feared anything in a long while as much as he feared the hope that was now full blown in his gut. Simon had done what he could and only after he'd attached the last bandage did his hand start to shake. Simon supported himself on the chair and looked at Mal over his sister's body, "You knew. She told you."

Mal didn't trust his voice, so he simply nodded. He wasn't going to apologize. It hadn't been his choice.

Simon stared at River's face, "So, what happens next. What... what did she see?"

Mal wasn't prepared to tell Simon the Truth because Mal wasn't prepared to look beyond this moment. If the Truth hadn't changed, Mal wasn't prepared to face it. He cleared his throat, "She... Her vision was limited."

Simon frowned and searched Mal's face, "What aren't you telling me?"

When she spoke both he and the doctor jumped as if the dead had walked, "It drifted to the table as if the wind had carried it - a gift on the wind."

Simon kissed her forehead and spoke in low soothing tones until she slept again. A minute passed. Then two. Only then did Simon look back at Mal, "She told you she was going to die, didn't she?" When Mal didn't deny it, Simon muttered, "You confined her to her bunk to protect her... you had her save her own blood."

Mal shook his head, "Your sister just ain't the type to lay down and die."

Simon nodded, "I'm glad you didn't tell me. I wouldn't... If I'd known while I was working on her..." Simon's voice broke.

Mal slapped Simon's shoulder with more force then was perhaps necessarily, said gruffly, "You done good, Doc. You rest now. I'll fetch you if she needs you."

It took some time but Mal recruited Kaylee, who was outside standing vigil, with a nod and Simon was finally coerced and half dragged to his room.

Mal stood in the same spot until the silence of the ship was total. There was nothing in the world but himself, the girl, and the prayer that Mal felt hung heavy in the air between them.

Mal had already been grateful, a reflex he couldn't stop no matter how his stomach turned at the notion. But his pilot was here and he wasn't closing her eyes from life or planning her funeral. A deal was a deal, no matter who had struck it.

She turned her head toward him, opened her eyes, "It was clear. Clear and true until the last second. Then another possibility was offered and I took it."

Mal cleared his throat, "Don't think I'm not proud of you for it." He let go of her hand, "I thought I told you to hide."

"Tried. But here it was go to them first or lose Simon and Kaylee. There, he found me. I'm sorry." She paused, searched his eyes for acceptance, then smiled, "His gun jammed when moments before it wasn't going to." Mal nodded, tracking her logic. She drew in breath again and he couldn't help but think it was a beautiful sound, "Miracle."

Mal couldn't have broken her gaze if he'd wanted to, "Don't try to talk now."

"Could only have been a miracle. You asked. Someone listened. Thank you."

Mal took her hand again, "Rest now, _bao bei_."

She obeyed, looking as though she could not be more at peace, while a war was brewing within Mal's soul. Even as he struggled to regain his footing, to go back to how things had been before this vision had changed everything... the idea repulsed him. Mal watched her chest rise and fall and fury darkened the edges of his vision as he imagined the pain she'd been in and the pain recovery would require. But even as he worried over her, the insistent beat of her pulse through her hand against his skin calmed him - strengthened and weakened him at the same time.

Mal closed his eyes tightly. He had to get his balance back. He tried to summon the will to deny that he cared... deeply for her. He bowed his head over her hand and searched his mind for all the reasons he'd kept himself from acknowledging the truth; any one of the excuses he'd used to shield himself from what he desperately wanted.

_God help him_, he failed.


	5. A Difficult Dream

**Title: Difficult Dreams**

**A/N: Ok, this chapter was supposed to be a simple resolution chapter - confessions and a kiss... but it just wouldn't go there yet. Hopefully the three people that read this will go with me on this :). Thank you everyone for the reviews. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or this universe**

_River did not like drugs. She did not like being sent to sleep without the natural ability to wake herself. Because even stifled with the heavy blanket of sedation, River dreamed. _

_She was immersed so deeply that reality - the true reality - shimmered like a mirage in her mind while monsters - both real and symbolic - hunted her every sure thought. It was worse than her worst times since Simon had rescued her from the Academy because these dreams sought to convince her she'd never left. And the longer she was trapped in her dreams, the more she believed them. _

_The drugs held her head under the surface no matter how hard she struggled for relief. She was drowning in the fear and pain and horrible confusion again, past and future, thought and memory, reality and nightmare tangled together mercilessly._

_With one last push of effort, River reached out with her mind for her anchor - for the sound, sure truth that he was. He wasn't far from her and she clung to his presence gasping for air. Instantly her dreams stilled, she remembered where she was, who she was, when she was. She took from his mind this blessed moment of quiet then, with no other choice, gave him a moment of her dreams._

Mal's dreams were rarely pleasant. So, when his innocuous dream about fixing engines started to slip into darkness, even his subconscious was unsurprised.

He'd dreamt of River before, though he wouldn't have admitted it under any form of torture. He was dreaming of her often now as she lie healing in the infirmary, sedated under her brother's care. But this dream seemed off. It seemed a little too... tangible.

She was curled up against his side as he slept, gripping onto his arm with cold hands, though her face seemed serene enough. Mal let himself stare at her, something he had rarely let himself do waking or dreaming. After a minute, he'd relaxed, dropping his head more deeply into his pillow and breathing in guilty peace and satisfaction of having her in his bed.

Somewhere in his mind he knew something was wrong... he knew this wasn't quite a dream - and not quite the present reality either. In a protective gesture Mal turned toward River in his arms as if to keep her next to him just as the dream shifted. But his subconscious didn't bring him to the war or Miranda like he expected. No, one moment he was in his bed and the next he was in a simple white hell.

The lights flashed and people's faces distorted in and out of view. He tried to close his eyes, but the images were worse when he did. Noise assaulted his mind - people screaming and laughing and talking all at once at all different volumes. Pain seared through his back as if his spine were being set on fire. Panic had him sweating as he realized he couldn't move... strapped to a chair. He tried to wake up - couldn't. And then the voices trickled into his thoughts. Confusion, madness closed in on his brain.

And just as suddenly as he had been ripped away, Mal was in his own dream, changing a filter on the Mule.

He was at the door of the infirmary by the time he realized he may be over-reacting. Was he so muddled with feelings for this girl that he couldn't tell the difference between a dream and ... whatever the hell that just was. Mal walked slowly to River's side and stared at her face. It could have just been a dream... Just a dream that he was afraid betrayed more about himself than River. He wanted confirmation - but _Goddammit_, what was he supposed to do - sit here and wait for a sign?

Mal closed his eyes, the dream came flooding back to him - moments from a hundred different memories threatened to drown his brain - visions of a thousand different futures changed even as he tried to make sense of them. He opened his eyes again as a wave of nausea swept through him. He gripped the side of the bed while it passed and thought about how much less complicated life had been before he'd had a member of his crew with superpowers. Mal searched her face again. There was no room to doubt himself. If she'd reached out to him, he wasn't about to ignore her.

Mal leaned close to her face, touched her forehead, whispered to her ear, "I heard you, sweetheart... I heard you."

Then, knowing he was going to sound like both a fool and a bastard, called Simon on the com.

**An hour later...**

"And you're wastin' time. Do your job and take care of your sister."

"I _am_ taking care of her. She is progressing rapidly, as soon as her stitches -" Mal made an impatient snort and Simon pushed forward, "May I remind you that she was fighting for her life not -"

"She's fighting for her sanity again, do you not get that? Do you not get how that might be for her?"

"Captain," Simon's voice was hoarse from exhaustion, "Has it occurred to you that what you experienced could be ... just a - a bad dream?"

Mal hadn't moved during the entire argument. He stood at the head of River's bed, his arms crossed over his chest, "I've had bad dreams before -"

"So how can you dismiss the possibility-"

"I've had bad dreams before," Mal repeated, raising his voice, "And I've had your sister's voice in my head before too, Doc. I damn well sure I can tell the gorram difference."

Simon froze, "You've what?"

Kaylee and Zoe, both summoned by the noise of the initial argument tensed in the doorway of the infirmary. Zoe met Kaylee's worried gaze and shook her head subtlety.

Mal nodded calmly, "She's sent me a message before."

"What message?" Simon spit out with incredulity.

"That ain't important. I'm giving you an order here, Doc. Get her the hell out of this coma or I will."

"It's not a coma..." Simon visibly shook as he leaned back against his instrument table. He looked over to the women for support but when neither of them moved he took a deep breath. Words and mind strained, he tried again, "One of the abilities River's time with the Alliance seems to have given her is a faster rate of healing while sedated. If she were in any... pain now, it will be for a far shorter time than if I woke her up."

Mal took a deep breath, and though his tone was tired, his eyes were piercing, "I don't know why she put this message in my mind, Doc. It certainly would have made more sense to reach out to you. I don't know if it was easier cuz she's done it before or if there's some cosmic joke out there that says these things have to be ten times more difficult than they need to be," Mal glowered at Simon as he went on, "But I thought you were more of a man than to let jealousy get in the way of what is best for River."

"Jealousy! I- You -" Simon sputtered and almost laughed. Then, his face changed, "Is there something I should know about you and my sister?"

"Ok, I've tried this seven ways to Sunday and now I'm gonna just start picking needles," Mal ignored the speculative looks from the women, determined not to admit to anything not pertaining to the issue at hand, and picked up a syringe of adrenaline.

Simon rushed forward to take it from him and Mal grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him close enough to growl in his ear, "If I'm wrong, Doctor, she'll tell us and you can put her back to sleep until she's ready to run a race for all I care. This ain't a competition."

Simon was staring into the space between River and Mal when he finally nodded, "Fine," and turned to his equipment, turning off the drip into River's veins, "This should only take-"

River woke abruptly with a hoarse scream and it took both Mal and Simon to restrain her from lunging off the bed. As soon her eyes focused on them her body went limp and she started to shiver from the exertion, "Don't put me back to sleep. Don't put me back to sleep..."

Mal held grimly onto River's upper arms, aware that Simon kept glancing at him even as he assured his sister over and over again, "I won't mei mei, I won't."

Mal's gut twisted uncomfortably. _Great._ He'd already resigned himself to the fact that it was about to get all kinds of complicated with River when she woke up. Mal couldn't seem to get her out of his mind and that was likely going to be an easy something for a mind reader to spot. He hadn't even gotten so far as to decide how to deal with that and now he'd got her brother wondering about psychic trysts.

Kaylee rushed in to help cover River in blankets and Mal looked up to see Zoe still in the doorway. He knew Zoe well enough to know what she was thinking, one eyebrow arched knowingly. Mal flinched away from her gaze.

"Excuse me, Captain." Kaylee muttered as she pulled the blankets over River, forcing him to drop his hands. Her apologetic tone made it clear she was thinking the same as Zoe in that all too romantic little heart of hers.

Mal was doing his best impression of stoic while Simon checked River over, but he was starting to think the only person on this boat he was going to be able to relax around from here on out was Jayne. Mal took a step away from the semi-conscious woman at the root of all this trouble and couldn't keep himself from remembering how right it had felt to wake up to her in his arms.

_Result. River basked in the pain of consciousness. It was better. Days had passed and there had been a fight. Mal was tangled in knots internally and Simon hovered and worried but she didn't mind. Anything to escape the clouded and fogged dream-reality. Anything to hold the reigns to her own mind. Because if River could control her mind, she could do anything._


	6. Gradual Healing

**Gradual Healing**

**A/N: Not too much longer now...  
**

** Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or this universe... Deep, huh?  
**

_Get back to the bridge. _River had to crawl half the way; had waited until the other minds on the ship were safely resting, but she got herself to the bridge because she had a place and a purpose there. She'd woken up with it. She belonged here, in this place, on this ship, and here is where she would heal.

She gingerly curled herself into _her_ chair and concentrated entirely on breathing as the soreness and pain pounded at her brain. It was unsettling how her external pain could drown out the other voices... something to take note of - something that could make her vulnerable if she allowed it.

That was another purpose that had appeared full grown in her path: a sudden and intense need for self - preservation. River pondered this one more than the other because it seemed not quite to be her own. Embedded in her mind, but not quite her own.

She forced her pain into a manageable compartment and tucked it just far enough away that she could sleep passed it.

She felt his mind on her first, then heard his boots - fast on the iron. River sighed. This was going to be unpleasant... She opened her eyes, then, very carefully, lifted her head just as he set his eyes on her. His breath was jagged and he was speaking or yelling... or thinking... it was hard to tell and impossible to understand.

Mal. Just seeing him was throwing off her pain control... Still, she stared at him until her eyes hurt.

He'd tried to get her back to bed... Probably. She couldn't remember, couldn't listen. She'd drifted off again into a self made cocoon and when she emerged it was only because his heartbeat was not alone anymore.

Simon needed to poke and prod to relieve his concern - make sure he hadn't missed anything, make sure he was following every possible avenue of healing... River opened her eyes to find a too bright light searing into her brain - it was reflex to destroy it.

She needn't hear Simon's scolding or Mal's silent warning - her body punished her. River sucked in a breath of air and retreated again.

Waking was a process... a careful walk through the pain. River waited a moment and then reached out with her mind - just an inquiry. The voices, the past, the future; they mingled together and twisted apart but they were all there - still within her grasp.

River lay her head back onto her wrist and spoke to the man in the co - pilot chair for the first time since the day he'd saved her life, "I broke Simon's light."

"I was there."

"It hurt," she explained with a defiant pout.

"I figured as much."

The distress call she'd sent him while under sedation was heavy on his mind. She sensed it during the silence that fell softly between them. River held up her head, embarrassed now that she'd resorted to such a tactic simply to ease her own struggle, "I'm sorry... I intruded."

"You did what you had to, I imagine."

River relaxed, sensing no resentment in his words.

Pain was still the clearest thing in her head, but Mal's presence seemed to numb the sting of it. Lulled by his heartbeat, she finally felt the heat of his anger against her skin. She looked over at him in surprise.

When he spoke, his voice was strained with carefully controlled temper, "I get that there are things about what goes on in your mind that maybe I don't understand. Like the sedation. I didn't know that was hurting you. So when you found a way to tell me, I went with you on that." River set her jaw, knowing what was coming next. "But laying down in a bed rather than a chair wasn't going to hurt you," Mal said sharply.

She tensed against the pain in her chest, knowing the vibration of her own words would prick at her wounds, "I am Serenity's pilot." She stated stubbornly, "Belong on the bridge."

"That you do." Mal conceded. "But she's my ship and this is my bridge and that makes you my pilot," Mal stood, "You'll be spending the nights in your bed from now on or you'll find yourself spending the whole day there, dong ma?"

It was not an idle nor casual threat; he was well aware of how much time she'd spent stuck in her own room throughout the last month; well aware that, though she would hate it, she would obey the command if ordered. His confidence in his authority was thick in his voice and carried in the air. She found it wonderfully solid and terribly frustrating, "Yes, Captain."

Mal turned toward the door, then, in the same way she'd put her pain carefully away, she could feel Mal put his frustration with her to the side, "How are you feeling?"

"Sore."

"Sounds about right." And then, in the short pause that followed, River felt it. The shift in him, in his heartbeat... the context of the quickening of his pulse, the thought he was forgetting to hide from her. In the time it took for River to comprehend what she felt, Mal's barricade was up again, "Course is set for Newbury. You need me, I expect you'll know where to find me."

_Need. _She held her breath until he walked away, clutching the moment lest she lose it to time. He needed her. He'd needed her to live and so she had. His need had fused into her path. She hadn't known he could do that.

She forced that line of thought to end before she drew from it hope that did not exist. A thought didn't mean action or intent or even, sometimes, truth. She had to be careful not to place too much importance on the things no one expected or wanted her to see. Emotions were fleeting things. Thoughts - less sturdy than one would think.

River let air and calm recycle through her. She pulled her emotions back in and focused on her body and mind as the machines they were. She spent the day working them both: reaching the course controls without wincing, testing her math with chart calculations, and very cautiously listening to the surface thoughts of the crew.

By dinner time Simon's worry, Kaylee's doubt and the Captain's watchful unease were impossible to drown out. River locked onto Zoe's wonderfully direct presence to maintain her illusion that she was doing well. But, despite her techniques for pain management and her sheer determination to take this new beginning to it's fullest potential, she had to lean heavily on Simon to get her back to her room.

River lay in bed apprehensively, taking stock of her faculties. She was drained. More so than was good for healing... but perfect for ignoring echoes in the air. River accepted the silver lining and was asleep before the distracting voices could even call to her mind.

_He_ was outside of her room. His steps had blended with her dreams at first, and then his thoughts had changed her vision and then she was awake, staring into the darkness.

River waited, patiently letting his emotions wash through her without holding onto any one too closely. There had been a nightmare that shook him out of his sleep... and had compelled him to make sure - that she was whole and un-bloodied. Then, even as his mind had ridiculed him, he'd found a reason good enough to go to her room. He needed to be sure that she'd stayed in her bed. And now he stood wavering outside of her door.

"Don't trust me?" She asked softly into the darkness.

She felt his resignation - _caught_.

"Guess I don't." Mal finally answered just loud enough for her to hear. River slowly pushed herself into a sitting position, careful of her wounds and the noise that could betray her. He was that close to spooking, "You're all right?"

River let her legs dangle over the side of the bed, "Fine," she said cautiously. He was still trying, feebly, to put up some barrier - some veil over his feelings; but he was weak and she was getting stronger.

She slid off of her bed and closed her eyes, unable to keep herself from soaking _him_ in. He was so vulnerable here, in the middle of the night and she had restrained herself before - more than once.

_Want._ River took a step toward the door. He was wrestling with it so loudly in his mind that it was all she could hear. It wasn't a fleeting thought or confused emotion... River was flooded with it. She took in a ragged breath as her mind caught up with her senses.

She bent her head against the onslaught of her own reaction and listened closer. In silence, he pleaded with her not to come to the door and hated himself for imagining what he might do if she did.

River had never been more callous to his feelings, she closed the distance between them; the soft rushing of the door sliding in the track blended with the rush of her blood through her veins. She faced him in the near darkness, his defenses at her feet and realized she'd never truly faced him before. River forgot good manners and personal boundaries and control. She absorbed everything.

Mal was looking down at her in passionate and stunning pain. River kept her hand on the doorway for support - living this through the memories of others hadn't prepared her at all. She couldn't seem to hold onto the moment - each second seemed to slip by her, intensifying exponentially, and yet time did not move forward.

That he was leaning nearer to her even as she was stretching to him, she hardly noticed, but Mal's surprise was like being thrown into very cold water. The images in his mind - the mini-visions that flitted through hers - went suddenly dark.

River pulled back as if she'd been stung and started to shiver in the abrupt change of attitude. Her heart couldn't seem to hold a beat. And then his hand was on her skin - warm and solid to the inside of her shoulder. He claimed command again - authority that centered her.

She calmed, her thoughts dropped into order, and her world focused sharply. He wasn't ready. River pulled back and dropped her eyes to his chest - meant it to be a signal of her acceptance. The hand just at her collarbone tightened and pain mingled sharply with River's frustration.

His gratefulness was no easier to deal with than his lust. She hadn't known she cared this much. She hadn't known it was possible to feel this much of her own emotion all at once. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the metal against her hand; Never had she been more aware of her own heartbeat, her own breath... never had she been more wholly River than this moment.

The rumble of his voice made her want to hum, "River..."

_I can't_. The thought was in her head in his voice and she blinked until she could trust herself to look into his eyes without leaning into his lips, "Please."

Heat radiated from him in a burst and River wondered suddenly if he was going to give up after all, but a quiet intake of breath was all he needed to hold on, "This isn't...easy for me, sweetheart. I didn't know..." He hadn't known she'd been in love with him. It changed nothing for River, but it pitched his world into a spin.

River felt his thumb wander just a fraction of an inch against her skin as he tested the revelation in his head while she clenched the door frame to keep from pressing against him... just enough to test him beyond his limits. It would not take much, she knew that now that she could think past her own want.

River felt him deliberately turn his thoughts from heat to care. He thought of her stitches and the lateness of the hour, of her exertion and her pain. It cooled both of them down, though River resented the manipulation; it gave them both back their footing.

When he was sure of himself, Mal nodded River toward the bed, "Come on," _love, _"It's late."_  
_

River sighed, "It's not enough to think it."

Mal's smile had been so scarce recently, she could almost feel it creak as he tested it out for her, "Didn't expect it would be."

Finally, with gentle rather than passionate hands Mal helped River back into her own bed and arranged the covers over her. But his barriers were gone. With every small movement he made the air he pushed around them was full of warmth that he felt for her. His thoughts were full of caution, keeping himself in check, but just beyond that thin veneer lay a deep well of desire that no part of him believed wouldn't be revealed to her anymore. Revealed and explored. He had to think still, had to work it through... but he wasn't rejecting it or repressing it. When he looked into her eyes, let himself linger before he started to the door.

"Not long now," River told him wistfully, holding one hand out toward him as he turned at the threshold.

He stared at her for another long moment, hiding nothing, and the corners of his mouth lifted, "I'm counting on it."


	7. Forcing the Issue

**Title: Forcing the Issue**

**A/N: Epilogue to follow. I know this isn't the standard FF ship and I appreciate the warm reviews very very much. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or this universe.**

"What's that smell?"

"Tar."

"Right. I thought we discussed you not gettin' involved in these things," Mal spoke into the darkness in the general direction of his pilot.

"Revealing myself was the concern - reveal myself - I did not do," River's voice said simply.

"This ain't a game of words, River. When I give you an order, I expect you to obey it."

"Your timing, Captain, is very odd," River slid his blindfold off his eyes and lifted one eyebrow at him kneeling on the ground surrounded by unconscious bad guys.

Mal shrugged awkwardly, his hands tied behind his back, "I'm just saying that this doesn't change anything."

River restored Mal's gun to his holster and tossed the stick she was still holding a few feet away. Mal raised both his eyebrows, daring her to challenge him. River put her hand on her hip, "We didn't discuss it. Nothing was said aloud."

Mal shook his head, "Oh, no, don't even try..."

"You just argued what you thought I'd say in your head and expected me to read your mind. I could have missed it. I don't hear everything."

"Cute, real cute. But seeing as how you just admitted to knowing exactly how it happened, I'd say the topic is closed," Mal said. As soon as the words were out, he regretted them. There was a specific topic he'd been skating around for weeks and the mischievous glint that appeared suddenly in River's eyes suggested his word choice hadn't escaped her.

"To close a topic is not the same as solving it. Just like thinking a thing is not the same as doing it."

Mal cleared his throat, "Firstly, I never said _that_ topic was closed and secondly, here ain't the time or the place to discuss personal matters."

River tilted her head to the side, listening. A slow, soft smile curved on her lips that made Mal uneasy, "Six minutes, thirteen seconds. Perfect time, perfect place... perfect circumstance. Won't happen again for months."

Mal frowned, "Wait - what won't happen for how long; five minutes alone or me kidnapped with my arms tied behind my back?"

"I said it wouldn't happen for months," River rolled her eyes, "Silly to worry about that now."

"Ok, sure, I'll just drop it then," Mal snorted, "Why did you have to walk through a tar swamp to get here, again?"

"In order to do this without revealing my face, I had to make them think the bowels of the earth had come for you."

"Shiny," Mal kept wary eyes on her while he shifted his weight to stand. "Let's get out of here."

She dropped a hand on his shoulder before he could get to his feet; the gesture stilled him, not because he couldn't have brushed passed it, but because it was the first time she'd touched him in a manner not strictly professional. His pulse kicked up; he couldn't bring himself to reject this first touch, not even if it left him at a disadvantage... _This wasn't a good idea._

She moved a step closer so that the fabric of her skirt brushed against his arm. Gently, Mal warned, "River-"

She hadn't brought that night up - hadn't forced anything from him and so he'd started to relax. There had been a change in the way she looked at him, a change in the tension between them. But the effects of the change had been unexpected. It had become easier to speak to her, rather than turning awkward; simpler to lead her rather than more challenging. Mal had started to think maybe he'd had a chance to keep this thing uncomplicated. He had started to think that if he could just control his baser instincts, nothing much would have to change. Of course, he'd been halfway to her bunk last night before his barely functioning self control had stopped him. The night before that he'd nearly reached her room...

River moved her hand to his neck, his windpipe, effectively quieting him, "Can't stand outside any longer... got to open the door."

Mal couldn't seem to look away from her. River's recovery had gone beyond her physical healing - she'd thrived. It was if she'd taken what had been done to her and absorbed it into herself - controlling it as it once had controlled her. She was less haunted, more solid, and totally irresistible. Mal mentally berated himself for underestimating her as her hand traveled to the back of his neck. River bent her neck gracefully, whispered something he didn't quite catch and by the time she kissed him, he'd stopped thinking entirely.

She was... everything. The moment his mouth touched hers, he forgot that this was the first time he'd tasted her or that there had ever been a time that their relationship hadn't been physical. It was as natural as walking to be kissing her, to be breathing with her.

He strained up to meet her, unconsciously trying to free his hands to touch her - shift the angle and power of the kiss. She moved closer, echoing his need for her body to crush against his even though it made it more difficult to reach her lips.

He reached for her again and found his hands had been freed. He didn't have the brain capacity to wonder when or how she'd done it because his hands were finally on her and nothing else mattered. Gripping her hips, sliding up her arms, using her as balance to pull himself up and take from her mouth what he'd been relentlessly dreaming of.

It seemed like a hell of a lot longer than five minutes when Mal could think past the beating rush of his blood. The thought brought him crashing back to reality and pulling away from the embrace. Before he could explain his concern he felt River's face turn from his chest. She was listening.

Mal worked on quieting his ragged breathing, almost sure he was hearing something real - footsteps. He drew his gun and was about to order River behind him when she took three long steps to the opening door, slamming someone's head between the door and the jamb. The man crumpled onto the floor in a heap and Mal lowered his gun hesitantly. _That was close. _River wasted no time, she took something from the man's hip pocket and looked to Mal to follow her.

She held up a hand in warning as they waited by the door, then, for no reason Mal could figure, River opened the door and led him out. The escape plan may as well have been rehearsed, everything happened exactly on River's cue.

He hardly felt out of breath when he sauntered back onto his ship with River at his side. Kaylee closed the doors and clapped her hands enthusiastically, "Right on the dot, River! Welcome back, Captain!"

Zoe fell into step with Mal and River, "Good to have you back, Sir."

Mal nodded, tried not to wonder if River had figured _everything_ about the rescue into her timetable for escape, "You didn't do any redecorating while I was gone, did you?"

"Just a few curtains, Sir - a woman's touch." Mal glanced at her suspiciously, but Zoe arranged her face to portray innocence, "I don't suppose that you held onto the-"

Mal had a hard time suppressing the pride he felt as he nodded to River. River tossed Zoe the pouch of their hard-earned profit that she'd recovered on her way in. Only Zoe would understand how important that was. Life and limb were all well and good - but if they never got paid they didn't have a home. Zoe looked a little smug as she changed direction to head to the safe, "Knew I could count on you two."

Simon rushed down the stairs toward them, "River, are you-"

Mal interrupted, scowling at Simon, "And just what in the ruttin' hell were you thinking letting her go after me?"

"I didn't - what was I - She's... very... - " He stuttered incoherently, trying to keep up with them as they moved through the narrow corridor.

"Right. Great. Lot's of help. Better strap in somewhere, I'm looking to get out of this neighborhood post haste." Simon stopped at the kitchen table, without any good response. Having made sure River was unscathed - he didn't bother to follow them further. Mal glanced down at his pilot as they walked, "We got anybody following us, River?"

"No, they believe you were skinned and eaten by the fabled tar monster from the stories of their childhood, which most likely was actually a tale from their grandparents to scare them away from the mines..."

"Yeah, yeah, I remember - mostly cuz you insist on repeating it - with disturbingly explicit detail on exactly how they think I met with the fabled whooziwhatzit - that ain't what I asked you."

"No one, Sir. The need to leave is psychological," River muttered in a tone that sounded half annoyed and half speculative.

Jayne climbed out of his bunk as they came up and nodded to Mal, "Hey you're back - how does it feel needin' rescuin' from a tiny little woman?"

"Better than being knocked out by her, I expect," Mal said pleasantly as Jayne walked between them to get passed. "We're leaving in five, see if Kaylee needs anything," he called over his shoulder.

Mal's pace didn't slow until they'd reached the bridge. As soon as they crossed the threshold, though, Mal turned abruptly into River's path and kissed her. A thrill shot through him at the surprise in her eyes - he imagined it could become a challenge to try and put that look in her eye now and then. He watched her carefully, already lost to her, "There won't be any going back for me. Make sure this is what you want."

Though River's gaze remained steady on him, an unnatural stillness settled around her that Mal had come to recognize as River caught up in her own mind - in between reality and vision, sorting through the mysteries of the universe, or just searching for the words she wanted to say - Mal had no idea. But when she seemed to drift back to the present, her eyes were clear and confident.

"I belong now... because of you." She lifted her hands to his face and Mal felt himself break even before she said the words, "Now I want to belong _to_ you."

He reached up and took hold of her wrists, brought them down to his chest and kissed her again, meaning to send her all the promise and intent that was in his heart.

Content, empowered, he stared down at her until all the day's madness dissolved off his shoulders, "I'm gonna need you to pilot us out of here in a second. But I need you to know something first," River tilted her head, a smirk already forming on her lips. Mal snapped out, "If you ever disobey a direct order like that again, I'll kick your tar and feathered butt to next year."

"You would not be around to kick _anything_ of mine if I had obeyed your direct order today," She pulled away, dropped into her seat and started the ignition process. "Of all the faulty arguments you could possibly make..."

Mal held onto the back of her chair while Serenity rumbled alive under his feet, "I would have found a way out - I was just about to - ."

"Spitting on the man - if indeed your aim were true - would only have enraged him," River insisted as she took them into the black.

"We're going to have to set up some rules about this mind-reading stuff."

"We can do that when re-negotiate this not getting involved stuff," River looked over her shoulder with a smile.

Mal glanced down at her, unyielding, "There are going to have to be some rules that ain't negotiable River."

River set the coordinates and spun her chair around, "I like rules; Mostly."

"River, what happens between us... it's separate. Do you see that? We almost got into trouble today because this distracted us."

"He had the keys - I would have waited for him either way. I found a way of waiting that was better than-"

Mal held up his hand, "When I give an order - I've got to know you won't mutiny every time things get sticky." River pursed her lips, obviously suppressing her next thought. Mal rolled his eyes, "Go ahead, argue. Let's get this out."

River held onto it for a moment, then blurted out,"Your orders blur the lines. You want me on the ship to keep me safe. Sometimes that isn't what's best for your crew."

"That's not your call to make. You've got to trust me."

"Do!" River insisted, then paused again. When she continued, River's face was thoughtful, "Can't turn away from what I know - what I am. But I won't disobey unless I need to and I'll never betray you. Trust _me _and we'll find the balance," River stood up and stuck out her hand.

Mal looked at it for a second, torn between feeling silly and knowing she was serious. He took her hand and shook it solidly, wondering how much she already knew about what would happen between them, "This is going to be an issue isn't it?"

"Now and then," she said, matter-of-fact.

"Fair enough," He pointed an accusing finger at her, "That 'need' better be important crap - like limbs and eyes and things or I'll have you cleanin' the exhaust system with a toothbrush."

"This argument is becoming circular," River sighed, "I'm going to wash the tar from my boots now."

Mal didn't need to watch her go, he already felt secure in her - full of her. He stood at the head of his ship and looked out into the black. It had been absurdly simple, really, considering how long it had been since he'd had any real hope or interest in finding love. She had dropped directly into his path - fighting her way with a courage that had earned his respect, working on his ship with a zeal that had made her part of his crew, giving generously of herself that made her real to him, living with integrity even when it cost her that made him care deeply about her... And when he'd turned around to find he was in love with her, her heart had already been in his hands. Zoe had been right, River had become his own miracle. And nothing and no one would stop him from being with her.


	8. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE**

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or this universe.**

River woke; exhaled a slow, steadying breath. Her mind automatically sought distance from the dream. She used the sound of Mal's pulse surrounding her and and his breath against the skin of her shoulder to anchor herself in reality.

There had been vision in the dream. The warmth of it still thickened the air around her as she stared up at the ceiling. With gentle strokes River set about untwisting her dream from Mal's, but his thoughts and feelings were mingling too closely with hers.

She carefully freed herself from Mal's sleep-heavy embrace and pulled one of his shirts over her underwear before climbing out of his quarters. The farther away from him she walked, the clearer the truth became.

River let her hand caress Serenity, needing to touch something he loved as much as she did, needing courage to look into this inevitable fortune. She wouldn't question it. She would travel this path without a fight; River would grow and she would live up to it.

_The best laid plans..._

She stopped in the middle of the ship's great womb and listened to the sound of her own heartbeat... loved how strong and whole it had become; loved most how his voice affected it's rhythm.

"Nightmare, darlin'?" River looked over her shoulder as her Captain slid his arms and his love securely around her.

She nestled against him, still looking into the future with wonder, "Just untangling a complication."

"Feel like sharing?" Mal's voice hummed into her ear.

"Too much light to even grasp," she insisted and then smiled as the statement caused his teeth to grind together in frustration. As both Captain and lover, Mal tried to shared the burden of her gift because he understood the gravity of ignored warnings. But River wanted the strain to melt away from him again, needed his support, not his command. She craned her neck so that she could kiss his jaw - reassure him,"Sorry, the riddles are ripe at dawn."

She felt him take in her meaning and slowly the pressure on his mind loosened,"It's okay, I'm beginning to think you can't help it." He kissed her ear gently and then her neck lingeringly. His hands slid from her sides to her stomach and he misinterpreted her shiver, "Anyone likely to interrupt us here?"

"No," River twisted in his arms to put her arms around him, trembled at the intent in his mind. She looked up at him with challenge dark in her eyes, "I have your shirt."

Mal's lips twisted into a smile as he started unfastening buttons, "And I'll be having it back now."

His desire flowing through her in waves took away her breath while the vision still tumbled in her thoughts, "I love you."

Mal paused just a moment to look into her eyes and she knew he was looking for warning, fear or worry - some hint that the dream she'd had needed to be told. She shook her head, answering him silently. Satisfied, he murmured, "I love you too," as he eased her down to the cold metal and kissed her as though nothing else mattered in the universe. And at that moment, River knew that nothing did. _You're everything_. He didn't need to say it this time.

The vision sharp now in her mind, River arched against him and his right hand caressed the skin that would one day stretch as his child grew within her. Strength, Hope, Love, Future, Life... _This is everything. _

The End

_A/N: Thank you for reading and reviewing. Just a note - I didn't necessarily intend to say that that this meeting would lead to conception... but it's certainly more poetic if it did. The problem I have with that is timing - i.e. this is supposed to be set pretty early in their relationship... and I didn't want it to imply that River manipulated the situation - i.e. If I know that I'm going to conceive a child this night and the timing might not be right because I'm never safe from an evil empire and we live on a smuggling ship - why not just not let things go there this night. So the vision was supposed to be that she would have his child/be a family at some point and that whatever precautions they use in this time basically would fail. IF however, a reader or myself enjoys the poetic nature of this being the moment, then assume it's been some time later when circumstances may not have changed much but everyone has had time to bond, grow, etc._


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